Babies, babies, everywhere!

I've been better lately about being around babies and children. It's much easier for me to be around little girls rather than boys though. Yesterday and today though, someone or something I think was trying to test my ability to deal with things.

Earlier this week I got an email from Huggies congratulating me on reaching week 2o of my pregnancy. Yeah, it's much, much easier to get on all these lists than it is to get off of them apparently. I had to spend almost 10 minutes at one point shortly after my miscarriage trying to remove myself from one baby related website. Apparently, no one thinks that it's possible to lose a child once you get pregnant. That doesn't play into their websites full of smiling happy babies and size 4 drop dead gorgeous moms. But, anyways.

Yesterday I was starting to wake up and didn't have my glasses on yet. We've been sleeping with the window by our heads open so we have some fresh air moving into the room at night. We've been going back and forth about our neighbor possibly being pregnant again (they have a ~3 year old boy) but I thought maybe she was just putting on a little weight. Well, apparently I was wrong, because from what I saw, she looks about 20-24 weeks pregnant. So not only will I have to mourn the fact that I'm not giving birth and holding our son around the end of October, now I quite possibly will have to hear her newborn crying and realize that she has what I was supposed to have too. Our children would have been around the same age and could have played together. It breaks my heart.

Then today, it was round two of the bitter infertile episodes. I was running errands before we leave town for a week and stopped up at the jeweler to have my wedding rings cleaned and re-plated (they're white gold). I was wandering around the store while they were re-plating them when I saw an employee walk past me with a Noah's Ark gift bag. Immediately I started to look anywhere but where the employees were gathering but then the oooing and ahhing started. Every employee in the store decided to stop what they were doing since there was only one customer (me) and have an impromptu baby shower. Like I said, I've been doing much, much better, but superwoman I am not. I'm just thankful I didn't get so upset I started to cry.

I absolutely hate being bitter and jealous of all these women, but I can't help it anymore. I just hope that this will eventually fade. I was never like this before and I hate that this is what infertility has made me.